Why child free doesn't mean uncaring

I love my child-free by choice life and I’m tired of feeling guilty or ashamed about it.

I‘ve lost count of how many times I’ve been judged (openly or with just a “look”) for choosing not to have children.

I’ve always known that motherhood wasn’t for me. In the way others describe the feeling that they have always wanted to be a mum, I have always felt that I didn’t want children. I’ve never had a sense that if I didn’t have children, my life would have no purpose.

I know that society has been constructed to in such a way that marriage and children are still viewed as what we should be striving to attain in life. And I know that procreation is what has kept the world as we know it turning.

I didn’t really spend time as a child playing mummy, I had the baby dolls but can’t recall playing with them in a way that shaped my thoughts about wanting to be a mum when I grew up. I can recall playing with Sindy dolls and my Sindy Kitchen Cafe looking forward to being independent, having my own place, a job I loved, wearing what I wanted and being a “grown-up”.

Greg James has recently written and spoken about the choice not to have children (at the moment to ensure I reflect what he has said) and I’m not surprised how many people have made comments like “you’ll change your mind” or “give it a few more years”. Honestly it’s disrespectful, would any of us say those things to people with kids? Imagine me saying to someone “give it a few more years and you’ll wish you never had children.” Maybe Greg James and his wife will change their minds but why is it a big deal if they don’t? Having children does not define a relationship as successful.

I’ve got friends who 100% wanted to be a parent above all else, and I’m happy for those who fulfilled that desire. It’s weird though that nobody ever expresses happiness for those of us who 100% didn’t want to parent and have chosen that path. Nobody says “I’m so happy for you, that part of your life has turned out as you wanted.”

I have genuinely lost count of the times I have been judged for my choice not to have children.

• It must be nice to be able to focus on yourself and what you want (in other words how selfish)

• Of course your career progression has been easier as you’ve not stopped to have children (undermining any of the hard work, effort and compromise I have put into my own career progression)

• Whose going to look after you when you’re old? (I don’t even know where to go with this one)

• You won’t mind doing on-call/ not taking holiday over Easter/ covering Bank Holidays/ staying late (because only those of us with children need time off then)

• It’s a shame you didn’t find the right relationship at the right time otherwise it might have been different (um - no)

• It’s a shame for your parents (I have genuinely felt guilt over this at times as an only child so this type of comment does hit a nerve)

The thing that I find frustrating with these sorts of comments and the subtext, is I’m actually happy to have a conversation about choosing not to have children if it is coming from a good place, not a place of judgement. I will talk about the complexities of not wanting my own children and the two most significant relationships in my life being with people who have kids (the irony isn’t lost on me). I will share how I feel bad at times because my parents won’t ever be grandparents and I worry that I have let them down in some way. But I don’t want to have those conversations with people who have already judged me for being child-free.

Not being a parent has not made me any less compassionate, kind or caring. I have children and young people in my life who I love dearly, care about and support. It’s a privilege to have been part of the lives of so many little people and a joy to see the amazing adults they are becoming.